When you’re getting divorced, you are faced with a major change, and you have a choice to make. It’s about how you are going to show up. How will you show up for your divorce? This decision will have a shadow effect on how you show up for your job, your kids, your friends and family, and most importantly, yourself.
When we know that we have control over how we are going to show up, we feel empowered. There are no surprises. We stop seeing ourselves as a victim. There is a sense that we are in control, even if we are not happy about the situation, or change. Even when we did not ask for any of it.
There are predictable stages of change. Knowing which stage of change you’re in is important, as a tool. If you know where you’re coming from, you will understand your divorce narrative. Your divorce narrative drives your thoughts, feelings, and actions. You are much more likely to be mindful of how to steer your own responses, to create intentions which will serve you.
Most importantly, you will probably move into the next stage of change, when you are mindful of where you are currently.
The stages of change go like this:
Pre-contemplative – I had nothing to do with the marriage breakdown, it’s all him. I don’t want this divorce and have no control over it. I feel helpless and hopeless, and angry.
Contemplative – I may have contributed to the problems in our marriage. I still don’t want a divorce and feel sad and blame him for the decision. I am confused about what I can do to help myself or make anything better.
Planning – Even though I didn’t want a divorce, I accept that it is happening. I don’t spend as much time in blame, as I am learning about myself and how I can manage my reaction to him and the divorce. I am feeling a little more hopeful about the future.
Action – I have started taking responsibility for my own reactions and responses to him and the divorce. I don’t feel as angry or hopeless, even though we are still getting divorced. I feel more empowered and optimistic about a future life for myself.
Maintenance – I continue to work on taking responsibility for my own responses to our divorce, practicing more ways to feel empowered, rather than victimized. I am mindful that I have control over my own feelings and where I choose to focus my attention. I do not want to repeat the same mistakes in my next relationship and am working on that.
Where do you find yourself in the stages of change? Do you want to work on feeling better, even if it means that you have to let go of some anger and blame? Are you ready to build a new, BEST life for yourself and your loved ones?
If so, join me and some like-minded women for a 4-week journey into the elements that make up a BEST future life after divorce. We will cover elements like parenting, dating, finances, and motivation.