Protesting When Your Marriage Ends – Beware!
The decision to divorce is often arrived at only after many months, years, or decades of struggling to make a marriage work. Whether you are leaning out, or holding onto the marriage, when divorce becomes the path forward, the dynamics of your marital relationship will change dramatically.
When your spouse wants out, and you are still hanging on, you may feel a sense of whiplash. Suddenly, it seems, there are new ground rules with regards to boundaries, responsibilities, and communicating with each other. You may feel like you’ve woken up on another planet, and your response to this may be to protest.
You may ask, “what is protesting?” Protesting can be actively pursuing “reasons” for the divorce (arguing). Protesting can be acting as if you will not survive if your spouse follows through with the divorce, guilting them. Protesting can take the form of shutting down, withdrawing, or getting depressed, failing to perform certain role responsibilities, A certain amount of protesting is understandable and to be expected. Your world is upside down, and you did not ask for this. The sense of unfairness is heavy, as it dawns on you that one spouse can end a marriage, with the no fault divorce.
As a skilled divorce coach, mediator, and co-parenting counselor, I know that changing your relationship dynamics is crucial to moving forward after divorce. The process requires commitment and intentional effort from you and your spouse. Here are several thoughts I like to share with my clients:
• Take care of yourself during this process. You are worth it! Keep up your exercise routine, good nutrition, and any other healthful habits, like meditation, prayer, spending time with good friends, and hobbies that engage you.
• Changing relationship dynamics is a marathon, not a sprint. You and your spouse will learn different ways of interacting that reflect the change in your relationship. Accept that this is inevitable. Give yourself grace and patience throughout this journey. It’s not something that happens overnight.
• Consider professional help. A therapist for you or divorce coach for you together can offer suggestions to improve communication and help both of you move forward.
• Be transparent and honest. Avoid actions that might pit you against your spouse. Manage your feelings in a healthy way, rather than allowing yourself to be vindictive or hurtful as these actions will also hurt you – and your children.
• Focus on improving co-parenting. Have open, honest conversations about how your parenting can be changed to include new boundaries, schedules, and continue to meet the children’s needs..
Life is generally a marathon, filled with many chapters in our book of life. When you and your soon to be ex work together on shaping a new dynamic – everyone involved will benefit.
Ann Cerney of Cereny Coaching is a licensed therapist specializing in mediation, divorce coaching, couple therapy, co-parenting counseling and divorcing without involving the courts.
Focusing on child-centered solutions, Ann collaborates closely with families to create seamless parenting plans. As a divorce coach, she facilitates deep conversations with individuals seeking recovery and a better post-divorce life, encouraging them to envision a meaningful future. Contact Cerney Coaching today!
Note: This information is general in nature and should not be construed as legal/financial/tax/or mental health advice. You should work with your attorney, financial, mental health or tax professional to determine what will work best for your situation.