divorce

“My Child Refuses To See Me After Our Divorce”

June 21, 2022 By Ann Cerney, MS LPCC, LCPC

During and after divorce, and often leading up to it, the family system is stressed. Parents and children cope with this stress in many different ways, some adaptive and others very dysfunctional. If your child is resisting or refusing to spend time with you, it is not only heartbreaking, but also confusing. Legal and mental health professionals use the term Resist/Refuse Dynamic (RRD) to describe these cases. Unfortunately, there has been an increase in the number of these cases in the court system (Drozd, 2020).

Your gut-wrenching response to your child’s resistance or outright refusal to see you can also have an impact on the dynamic. Often, parents are shocked and dismayed by this problem, also referred to as Parent Child Contact Problems (PCCP). The difficulty in maintaining a positive, nurturing stance while being rejected by your own child is hard to overcome.

Getting clarity as to the possible factors involved in creating this dynamic, or problem, is essential to knowing how to respond as the parent who has been rejected. It may seem easiest and most logical to point a finger at your ex, or soon to be ex. Though the other parent (the preferred parent) may have some influence in this problem, there are usually multiple factors that should be considered to get an accurate assessment of your unique family/parent/child dynamic.

Factors which may play a part in the development of the resist/refuse dynamic are varied. A good treatment team will investigate these, including but not limited to the temperament and personality of the child, previous trauma or adverse childhood experiences, familial interpersonal violence (verbal/physical), parental substance abuse or mental health issues, and parenting problems. The latter category would include parenting issues such as alienating behaviors as well as misattuned parenting.

The progression and intensity of the RRD is best understood on a continuum. Identify where your child’s behavior fits into this continuum. gaining insight as to what might have happened in your family, with your child.

Positive Parent-Child Relationships – The child desires relationships with both parents. Parents are supportive of relationship with each parent.

Affinity – The child feels closer to one parent, and still wants contact with the other parent. Possible reasons for an affinity include temperament, age, gender, common interests, and can change over time.

Allied – The child consistently prefers one parent over the other and may resist contact. The child does not completely reject the other parent but has ambivalence about contact. Some causes include high conflict in the marriage, the child feeling they need to take sides, that one parent may need their loyalty or support.

Estranged – “Realistic Estrangement” – The child either rejects one parent or allows contact with very rigid guidelines and limits. The child appears angry at the estranged parent or exhibits a “phobic” reaction to that parent. The child often demonstrates separation anxiety when separated from the preferred parent. Some possible causes include exposure to family violence, abuse/neglect, parental substance abuse. Differs from alienation in that the estrangement is based on actual experiences and can be seen as an adaptive strategy. Trauma treatment must occur prior to addressing the RRD in these cases.

Alienated – “Pure Alienation” – Different from estrangement in that there is an absence of abuse/neglect. The child’s negative reaction to the rejected parent does not appear to be warranted by the totality of the child’s actual experience of that parent. The child has a distorted perception of the rejected parent and vilifies that parent. Causes may include severely high conflict divorce, and indirect or direct contribution on the part of the favored parent to the child’s view of the rejected parent.

With clarity about the stage of PCCP with your child, you can take more appropriate and effective action. Step one would be to find professionals who specialize in RRD or PCCP. A good treatment team will focus on the family system, rather than on the child and rejected parent alone. They will begin by gathering information to assist in assessment of the dynamic. It may take court involvement to prompt the “preferred” or “favored” parent to engage in treatment, but not always.

The quality of your divorce has a significant impact on your child’s adjustment post-divorce. Choose a process that encourages the two of you to communicate and make decisions together. Collaborative Divorce is a process that supports the children and both parents. With the support of a professional team, you will learn better problem-solving skills, to communicate effectively, and to be co-parents for your children for the remainder of their lives.

Who, When, What: 3 Tips for Telling Children About Divorce

April 4, 2022 By Ann Cerney, MS LPCC

The day parents talk to their children about their separation will be a day pressed into the memory of most kids. Most remember vividly where they were in the room, the words that were used, and who was present.

That’s why it’s really important to think hard about what you’re going to tell them and when you’re going to tell them. Here are some tips for how to tell your children that you are getting a divorce.

Who Does the Telling: Talk to The Kids About Divorce Together

It’s important to have both parents tell the kids together, if possible. Your children want to hear from each parent in their own individual words. It’s an important opportunity for each parent to reassure them, to tell them that they love them.

Hearing from both parents together minimizes the possibility that kids fill in the blanks with their own stories about the breakup, about their parents’ feelings, or if one parent is a victim of the other.

When to Tell: The Right Time, Place, and Age

The younger the child, the longer you might want to wait to tell them about the impending separation or the divorce. There will be some immediate questions that arise—they might wonder if they’re going to stay in the same school, or who they’re going to live with, where they’ll sleep, if they will see their grandparents again, and if their siblings are coming with them. If you can provide answers to most of these questions, they will feel more secure.

If your children are ten years old or younger, they will have less ability to tolerate the unknown, or ambiguity. You will want to hold off on telling younger children until you have clear or semi-detailed explanations. For older children, don’t be afraid to say, “I don’t know the answer to that right now, but we are going to find out for you.”

The words you use and the setting in which you use them very much depends on the ages and developmental stages of your children. This is why it’s important to talk to someone who is trained and educated in caring for kids (such as a mental health professional), because they’ll be able to advise on the best way of bringing up this heavy conversation.

What to Tell: Shaping the Divorce Story for Your Children

It’s important for children to have some understanding as to why their parents got divorced. This should be an age-appropriate account of your reasons that the kids can take with them from the conversation.

In the Collaborative Divorce process, we call this a “divorce story.” It’s an explanation that kids can use when talking with peers, or with their schoolteachers. When people ask them about their parents and their relationship, it will provide them with a simple and straightforward answer that they can easily repeat. Make sure that this divorce story contains an amount of truth and that it doesn’t blame one parent or the other.

Finally, and most importantly, when parents tell their children about divorce, they need to emphasize that they will both keep loving their children. They need to make it clear that they will always be their parents. They should underscore the fact that the children had nothing to do with their decision—each child is good and the highlight of each parent’s life. Reassure them that you will always be their parents.

The Collaborative Divorce Process is Child-Friendly

Collaborative Divorce looks at the family as a whole. Therefore, the team of experts isn’t just trying to get the upper hand for one party but is aiming for the best solution for everyone. In fact, when there are children involved, conversations will often revolve around what’s best for the kids.

When decisions need to be made about housing, expenditures, finances, or division of assets, the children are always kept at the center of the dialogue.

In fact, the Collaborative Divorce process includes a unique role called the Child Specialist. The Child Specialist is a mental health professional, who is focused on what the kids are experiencing and what their concerns are. This is a compassionate way to bring the children’s voice to the table.

If you are considering a child-centered approach to divorce, or are interested in learning about coaching, co-parenting, or couples counseling, connect with me, Ann Cerney, MS, LPCC, LCPC, a Marin County-based family counselor at cerneycoaching.com.

This article was originally published on collaborativedivorcecalifornia.com.

Co-Parenting Tips During Divorce

January 24, 2022 By Ann Cerney, MS LPCC

Let’s talk about the hardest part of divorce – co-parenting. Sure, divorce can rain chaos in many other areas of your life, dividing bank accounts, muddling friendships, sucking focus and attention, and pummeling your confidence.

After the divorce, you can make more money, find better friends, get more rest, hit the gym or yoga mat, and even pick up hobbies long forgotten or dreamed of. You will gain your confidence back, in time.

One thing you cannot get back is your children’s experience of their parents’ divorce. They will remember how you and your ex parted, in vivid detail, with their own twinges of hurt, confusion, and guilt. If you want your children to be “survivors” of your divorce, rather than “collateral”, this is the time to take action.

What is important for parents to know about helping children cope with their divorce?

Be thoughtful about the staging of your divorce.

That’s right, don’t just let it all happen, spontaneously. As parents, you are the leaders in your family. You would never go into an important event in life, even a business meeting, without a plan. For your childrens’ sake, do not go into this life-altering transition without one.

Think about how and when you will tell your kids about the divorce. Keep the narrative age appropriate, and non-blaming. They will not learn anything or benefit in any way from one of their parents being branded as “bad”. Refrain from using language that makes either of you look like a victim or perpetrator. What happened in your marriage can be described in child language, without the adult details. No matter what.
Don’t make promises you can’t keep. If your child asks you a question about what will happen, and you do not have a firm answer, do not build their hopes with what you hope will be the answer. Depending on their ages, it’s ok to tell children that you are not sure about something, that you and their other parent will be deciding that in the weeks/months to come.
As simple as this sounds, please refrain from making negative comments, no matter how “veiled”, about your child’s other parent. They know you, they sense when you are disgusted, or angry, with someone. If you are angry at your ex, better to use grown up words. Say “I’m angry at mom/dad right now”.
Remember, their other parent will continue to be family for your children. There is no getting away from that. Encourage that relationship, as you would want them to do the same for you. There will come a time when you may need to rely on your ex for help with your children. Keep it civil.

Your children will thank you both someday if you and your ex can protect them from the pain of seeing their parents hurt each other. If you can manage to have difficult conversations outside of their presence, think about how they feel, and continue offering them love and support, your children will have a better shot at healing after the divorce.

BEST Future For Women After Divorce

January 4, 2022 By Ann Cerney

When you’re getting divorced, you are faced with a major change, and you have a choice to make. It’s about how you are going to show up. How will you show up for your divorce? This decision will have a shadow effect on how you show up for your job, your kids, your friends and family, and most importantly, yourself.

When we know that we have control over how we are going to show up, we feel empowered. There are no surprises. We stop seeing ourselves as a victim. There is a sense that we are in control, even if we are not happy about the situation, or change. Even when we did not ask for any of it.

There are predictable stages of change. Knowing which stage of change you’re in is important, as a tool. If you know where you’re coming from, you will understand your divorce narrative. Your divorce narrative drives your thoughts, feelings, and actions. You are much more likely to be mindful of how to steer your own responses, to create intentions which will serve you.

Most importantly, you will probably move into the next stage of change, when you are mindful of where you are currently.

The stages of change go like this:

Pre-contemplative – I had nothing to do with the marriage breakdown, it’s all him. I don’t want this divorce and have no control over it. I feel helpless and hopeless, and angry.

Contemplative – I may have contributed to the problems in our marriage. I still don’t want a divorce and feel sad and blame him for the decision. I am confused about what I can do to help myself or make anything better.

Planning – Even though I didn’t want a divorce, I accept that it is happening. I don’t spend as much time in blame, as I am learning about myself and how I can manage my reaction to him and the divorce. I am feeling a little more hopeful about the future.

Action – I have started taking responsibility for my own reactions and responses to him and the divorce. I don’t feel as angry or hopeless, even though we are still getting divorced. I feel more empowered and optimistic about a future life for myself.

Maintenance – I continue to work on taking responsibility for my own responses to our divorce, practicing more ways to feel empowered, rather than victimized. I am mindful that I have control over my own feelings and where I choose to focus my attention. I do not want to repeat the same mistakes in my next relationship and am working on that.

Where do you find yourself in the stages of change? Do you want to work on feeling better, even if it means that you have to let go of some anger and blame? Are you ready to build a new, BEST life for yourself and your loved ones?

If so, join me and some like-minded women for a 4-week journey into the elements that make up a BEST future life after divorce. We will cover elements like parenting, dating, finances, and motivation.