Protecting Kids from Parental Conflict During Divorce
As a family counselor guiding families through divorce, I’ve seen firsthand how children can be deeply affected by their parents’ conflict. Parental conflict is the #1 predictor for post-divorce adjustment in children.
While some conflict is expected during divorce, parents can learn to manage their disagreements – and eventually become skillful at it. Disclaimer – Skillful and effective communication with an ex romantic partner is not simple or easy. You will need to tap into a strong desire for this, applying patience and persistence.
Why would you invest your time and energy in better communication with someone you’re divorcing? Because now is the time for setting new precedents, changing old patterns, as you transition to a new kind of partnership as co-parents. More importantly, your child’s adjustment depends on the quality of this communication.
One of the most important decisions you will make after the one to end the marriage is which process you choose for your divorce. The choice of process lays a foundation for your new co-parent relationship, based on the context of each. This directly relates to developing skills and capacity for better communication.
There are four ways to get divorced in most states: DIY, traditional representation (court focused), mediation, and collaborative divorce. Sometimes, not often, the court focused traditional representation process resolves in a trial with a judge deciding the outcome.
The choice of how to get divorced matters because not all processes fit every couple or family. The processes exist on a conceptual continuum like this –
Trial -Traditional representation- Mediation-Collaborative Divorce
Extremes of the process continuum
- Win/lose mindset vs solving for acceptable and sustainable solutions
- Individual client focus vs whole family focus
- Attorney-attorney problem solving vs parent-parent problem solving
- Court driven vs Team supported and consultative
- Minimal and passive communication vs extensive and active communication
- Children as parental entitlements vs children as vulnerable individuals
- Emotionally draining vs emotionally supportive
- Decisions made under duress or for you vs decisions made by you with support
The difference between a traditional court process, especially when it becomes a trial, and a collaborative divorce is striking. In collaborative divorce, you each identify your goals for during and after divorce. Some will be aligned, some may not be. It’s a transparent process, everything on the table, with respect and dignity.
With these goals in mind, you work with a team of collaboratively trained professionals – family and communication specialists, financial advisors, and lawyers – all committed to helping your family transition peacefully. This approach typically costs less, takes less time, and reduces emotional and financial trauma for everyone involved.
As parents, the key is to remember that it is possible to prioritize your children’s well-being, even when you’re struggling. Your influence on them is powerful, and can be a protective factor during this life change. Develop curiosity and interest in new ways to uplevel how you share information, concerns, and wins with your soon-to-be-ex and future co-parent. This is the best investment divorcing parents can make.
Through collaborative divorce or mediation, you can create a positive co-parenting relationship that will benefit your children for years. Remember, your marriage may end, but your family isn’t – it’s just reorganizing into a new form.
Ann Cerney of Cerney Coaching is a licensed therapist specializing in mediation, divorce coaching, couples therapy, co-parenting counseling and divorcing without involving the courts.
Focusing on child-centered solutions, Ann collaborates closely with families to create seamless parenting plans. As a divorce coach, she facilitates deep conversations with individuals seeking recovery and a better post-divorce life, encouraging them to envision a meaningful future. Contact Cerney Coaching today!
Note: This information is general in nature and should not be construed as legal/financial/tax/or mental health advice. You should work with your attorney, financial, mental health or tax professional to determine what will work best for your situation.