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“My Child Refuses To See Me After Our Divorce”

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During and after divorce, and often leading up to it, the family system is stressed. Parents and children cope with this stress in many different ways, some adaptive and others very dysfunctional. If your child is resisting or refusing to spend time with you, it is not only heartbreaking, but also confusing. Legal and mental health professionals use the term Resist/Refuse Dynamic (RRD) to describe these cases. Unfortunately, there has been an increase in the number of these cases in the court system (Drozd, 2020).

Your gut-wrenching response to your child’s resistance or outright refusal to see you can also have an impact on the dynamic. Often, parents are shocked and dismayed by this problem, also referred to as Parent Child Contact Problems (PCCP). The difficulty in maintaining a positive, nurturing stance while being rejected by your own child is hard to overcome.

Child Refuses to see me

Getting clarity as to the possible factors involved in creating this dynamic, or problem, is essential to knowing how to respond as the parent who has been rejected. It may seem easiest and most logical to point a finger at your ex, or soon to be ex. Though the other parent (the preferred parent) may have some influence in this problem, there are usually multiple factors that should be considered to get an accurate assessment of your unique family/parent/child dynamic.

Factors which may play a part in the development of the resist/refuse dynamic are varied. A good treatment team will investigate these, including but not limited to the temperament and personality of the child, previous trauma or adverse childhood experiences, familial interpersonal violence (verbal/physical), parental substance abuse or mental health issues, and parenting problems. The latter category would include parenting issues such as alienating behaviors as well as misattuned parenting.

The progression and intensity of the RRD is best understood on a continuum. Identify where your child’s behavior fits into this continuum. gaining insight as to what might have happened in your family, with your child.

Positive Parent-Child Relationships – The child desires relationships with both parents. Parents are supportive of relationship with each parent.

Affinity – The child feels closer to one parent, and still wants contact with the other parent. Possible reasons for an affinity include temperament, age, gender, common interests, and can change over time.

Allied – The child consistently prefers one parent over the other and may resist contact. The child does not completely reject the other parent but has ambivalence about contact. Some causes include high conflict in the marriage, the child feeling they need to take sides, that one parent may need their loyalty or support.

Estranged – “Realistic Estrangement” – The child either rejects one parent or allows contact with very rigid guidelines and limits. The child appears angry at the estranged parent or exhibits a “phobic” reaction to that parent. The child often demonstrates separation anxiety when separated from the preferred parent. Some possible causes include exposure to family violence, abuse/neglect, parental substance abuse. Differs from alienation in that the estrangement is based on actual experiences and can be seen as an adaptive strategy. Trauma treatment must occur prior to addressing the RRD in these cases.

Alienated – “Pure Alienation” – Different from estrangement in that there is an absence of abuse/neglect. The child’s negative reaction to the rejected parent does not appear to be warranted by the totality of the child’s actual experience of that parent. The child has a distorted perception of the rejected parent and vilifies that parent. Causes may include severely high conflict divorce, and indirect or direct contribution on the part of the favored parent to the child’s view of the rejected parent.

With clarity about the stage of PCCP with your child, you can take more appropriate and effective action. Step one would be to find professionals who specialize in RRD or PCCP. A good treatment team will focus on the family system, rather than on the child and rejected parent alone. They will begin by gathering information to assist in assessment of the dynamic. It may take court involvement to prompt the “preferred” or “favored” parent to engage in treatment, but not always.

The quality of your divorce has a significant impact on your child’s adjustment post-divorce. Choose a process that encourages the two of you to communicate and make decisions together. Collaborative Divorce is a process that supports the children and both parents. With the support of a professional team, you will learn better problem-solving skills, to communicate effectively, and to be co-parents for your children for the remainder of their lives.

Who, When, What: 3 Tips for Telling Children About Divorce

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The day parents talk to their children about their separation will be a day pressed into the memory of most kids.  Most remember vividly where they were in the room, the words that were used, and who was present.

That’s why it’s really important to think hard about what you’re going to tell them and when you’re going to tell them.  Here are some tips for how to tell your children that you are getting a divorce.

Who Does the Telling: Talk to The Kids About Divorce Together

Telling children about divorce

It’s important to have both parents tell the kids together, if possible.  Your children want to hear from each parent in their own individual words.  It’s an important opportunity for each parent to reassure them, to tell them that they love them.

Hearing from both parents together minimizes the possibility that kids fill in the blanks with their own stories about the breakup, about their parents’ feelings, or if one parent is a victim of the other.

When to Tell: The Right Time, Place, and Age

The younger the child, the longer you might want to wait to tell them about the impending separation or the divorce.  There will be some immediate questions that arise—they might wonder if they’re going to stay in the same school, or who they’re going to live with, where they’ll sleep, if they will see their grandparents again, and if their siblings are coming with them.  If you can provide answers to most of these questions, they will feel more secure.

If your children are ten years old or younger, they will have less ability to tolerate the unknown, or ambiguity.  You will want to hold off on telling younger children until you have clear or semi-detailed explanations.  For older children, don’t be afraid to say, “I don’t know the answer to that right now, but we are going to find out for you.”

The words you use and the setting in which you use them very much depends on the ages and developmental stages of your children.  This is why it’s important to talk to someone who is trained and educated in caring for kids (such as a mental health professional), because they’ll be able to advise on the best way of bringing up this heavy conversation.

What to Tell: Shaping the Divorce Story for Your Children

It’s important for children to have some understanding as to why their parents got divorced.  This should be an age-appropriate account of your reasons that the kids can take with them from the conversation.

In the Collaborative Divorce process, we call this a “divorce story.”  It’s an explanation that kids can use when talking with peers, or with their schoolteachers.  When people ask them about their parents and their relationship, it will provide them with a simple and straightforward answer that they can easily repeat.  Make sure that this divorce story contains an amount of truth and that it doesn’t blame one parent or the other.

Finally, and most importantly, when parents tell their children about divorce, they need to emphasize that they will both keep loving their children.  They need to make it clear that they will always be their parents.  They should underscore the fact that the children had nothing to do with their decision—each child is good and the highlight of each parent’s life.  Reassure them that you will always be their parents.

The Collaborative Divorce Process is Child-Friendly

Collaborative Divorce looks at the family as a whole.  Therefore, the team of experts isn’t just trying to get the upper hand for one party but is aiming for the best solution for everyone.  In fact, when there are children involved, conversations will often revolve around what’s best for the kids.

When decisions need to be made about housing, expenditures, finances, or division of assets, the children are always kept at the center of the dialogue.

In fact, the Collaborative Divorce process includes a unique role called the Child Specialist.  The Child Specialist is a mental health professional, who is focused on what the kids are experiencing and what their concerns are.  This is a compassionate way to bring the children’s voice to the table.

If you are considering a child-centered approach to divorce, or are interested in learning about coaching, co-parenting, or couples counseling, connect with me, Ann Cerney, MS, LPCC, LCPC, a Marin County-based family counselor at cerneycoaching.com.

This article was originally published on collaborativedivorcecalifornia.com.

Are You Ready To Leave Your Marriage?

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It’s one of the most gut-wrenching decisions that any conscientious adult comes up against – deciding whether to leave your marriage. When marriages suffer, most people twist and turn on this decision for years, painfully sliding up and down the scale of indecision, self-doubt, and ambivalence.

Marriage and divorce

Thing is, there is no sure-fire mechanism, or assessment, that can tell you when it’s time to call it quits. You can see marriage counselors, individual therapists, all of which may help you get clarity. But it’s highly unlikely that any professional will tell you to leave your marriage.

This is a discernment process which only you can accomplish.

Having said that, you also need some tools for discernment. Here are some things to think about as you gnaw on the idea of letting go of your marriage:

  1. Do you understand your contribution to the problems in the marriage? It’s easy to be clear about our partner’s contributions to the marital problems. However, do you have insight into your part in those same issues? This is key to moving forward, either in this relationship or another one. You will bring the unexamined and problematic parts of yourself to future relationships.
  2. Have you and your partner had effective professional help? Marriage counseling is often not helpful for struggling couples, for many reasons. Perhaps the therapist was seeing things through a lens that was not resonating for both of you, and one of you was not fully engaged in the therapy. Regardless, it is important to recognize that couples can get help when both are fully engaged in the right kind of therapy with a therapist who has traction with each person. Gaining a deeper understanding of each person’s contributions to the problems in the marriage is a first step.
  3. Have you allowed yourself to fully look at both sides of the coin? Your reasons for ending the relationship may have a great deal of weight and clarity. Looking at the other side of the coin means entertaining the possibility of you and your spouse working with a professional for a limited period. Both of you working on your own personal agenda for change, your contributions to the problems in the marriage. If this was successful, the outcome would be a more healthy, sustainable marriage relationship. Would you want to work toward that? Would you want to want that?It’s hard to give this possibility any air. Discernment is about being thorough, rather than shutting out possibilities. Lean into this for a minute or more, feel what that is like. Come back to this from time to time to give it more life, to get a more balanced vision of the path ahead.
  4. What role do your children play in your decisions making process about divorce?Your children’s well-being may be at the top of the list for you in terms of making this decision. How will divorce affect them? Can you separate your marital relationship from the parental one? Could you and your spouse be decent co-parents after divorce? How much do these questions weigh on your decision-making about staying or leaving?

It’s possible to find professional help with discernment. Many marriage therapists are getting training in this distinct model. 

The goal of Discernment Counseling is to gain clarity and confidence in a direction for your marriage. The process is limited to 5 sessions for you and your partner. Most of the work is done in one-to-one time with the therapist. The goal is that you and your partner choose one of three paths: 

Path 1 – Status Quo. You decide that you are not at a point where you want to either end the marriage or commit to working on it. Nothing is going to change.

Path 2 – Separation/Divorce. You decide that you are not willing to stay and work on the marriage. In this case, a discernment counselor can help make referrals to a minimally adversarial process for divorce.

Path 3 – 6 months of Couples Counseling. You and your partner agree to take all talk of leaving off the table, and to work very hard for a period of time on your own personal agenda for change, while working on your relationship together. The relationship will be reassessed at the end of this period, and a path forward will be determined.

Ann received training in Discernment Counseling through the Doherty Relationship Institute at the University of Minnesota in 2020. She continues to work with the Institute on ongoing training and consultation with other therapists trained in Discernment Counseling.